Braai guide for men
Sure, the Aussie Barbie has its place, it is efficient, clean, and quick. Thats fine for a quiet Monday evening, but its no good for the big party, or if you are with a woman. Stay with meIn both cases, you never want the fun to end. You want to enjoy the experience, savour the flavours and scents, and get to play with fire. You want it to last all day and night if possible, and finish exhausted, satiated and well lubricated. The great South African braai ticks all these boxes, which is why South African men who braai well are fantastic lovers.
So, for Aussie men who want to be like us, or even for those poor Saffas who have been here so long they have forgotten how, here is a brief overview of a good braai day.
10:00am Nothing, you should be asleep.
11:00am Wood, ice, food and booze run. Leave time for wine tastings at liquor outlets and discussions on boerie quality with the butcher.
12:30ish Wife has cleaned the house, set up the garden furniture, made the salads and thought about you adoringly all morning. You may remove your shirt and light the fire.
13:30 General arrival of your many friends. Always nice to crack first beer with a mate, but if you started earlier, that is OK because youre worth it!
15:00 By now there is music (unless the game is on); there is a hubbub of contented chatter above the comforting hiss of boerie fat dripping on the coals. It is acceptable for kids to turn the boerie every now and then, for training purposes.
17:00 This is where experience counts. Strategic servings of boerie will delay demand for the main bulk of meat to be braaied and a calamitous early end to the party. Adding more wood to the fire is the standard stalling tactic, just crack another beer and wait for the flames to die down. Make sure everyone has drinks, especially the women.
20:00 Kids are asleep or soon will be, the thumping music is soothing for them. Wife has lovingly re-cleaned the house and done the dishes, helped by some of the women; and of course, Kevin. Bit sus about Kev, never hangs around the braai with us, and why are his jeans always so tight? Not that I was looking Your delaying tactics have paid off; everyone is more interested in 80s music and margaritas than food. There should be dancing by now.
Later The party is in full swing, people are eating spare ribs and chicken legs straight from the grid. Nice if they are already cooked, but not essential. The men are covered in sweat and boerie grease, playing contact touch rugby with shirts off. If you have done things right, some of the women will have their shirts off as well.
Later still Woohoo! Jagermeister shots for everyone!
Even later Fire has new life as you burn stuff you dont like from around the house. Intellectual discussions with remaining men on political topics: Sarkozy has the hottest wife; Yeltsin was the best drinker etc. Is there any vodka left? Hey, only an hour to go until the BullsChiefs game!
Sometime before sunrise The guests have left, except the ones on the couch. Wife pulls the plug on the music, kills the lights, and adoringly tells you to go to bed in the spare room.
Contented and deep sleep follows, it doesnt get much better than this!